Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ideal_Victoria's best tweets

@Ideal_Victoria : Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, "how to purchase a baby elephant?"*

@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@Ideal_Victoria: Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today:

1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

@Ideal_Victoria: [At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@Ideal_Victoria: For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, "she has your eyes, can't wait for you to meet her" and then I sit back and wait.

@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.