@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
@Ideal_Victoria: Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
@Ideal_Victoria: On the list of things I've learned today:
1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
@Ideal_Victoria: [At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
@Ideal_Victoria: For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, "she has your eyes, can't wait for you to meet her" and then I sit back and wait.
@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.