I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
This a good idea
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.