At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda