Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take