Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Don’t touch that.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Guy who likes music
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.