Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right