Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me