Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
thanks auntie mary
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.