If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.