My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
😩😩😩
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.