Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”