Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
☠️☠️☠️
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break