[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
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I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.