I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either