They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.