I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
🤣😂🤣
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”