A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?