Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of InternetHippo's best tweets

@InternetHippo : doctor: your wife has gone into labour me: oh no wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE

@InternetHippo: Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation

Person in front of me at Chipotle: I'm ordering for 5 people

Me: I will kill you

@InternetHippo: ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

@InternetHippo: [making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@InternetHippo: [halloween at the retirement home where i work]

Boss: You can’t wear that costume here

Me (leaning on my scythe): Why not

@InternetHippo: [Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@InternetHippo: CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy ;)

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions

@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry

Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name

@InternetHippo: cute girl: hello
my mouth: hel—
brain: nice job buddy you’re almost there
mouth: —vetica
brain: what the hell

@InternetHippo: If all millennials suddenly died the next day’s article would be “How millennials are driving up funeral costs”