Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of InternetHippo's best tweets

@InternetHippo : narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7 me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be

@InternetHippo: I’m the guy who replies “And you’re surprised?” to tweets. Nothing shocks me. My dead grandmother rose from the grave once & I just scoffed

@InternetHippo: *gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*

@InternetHippo: me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he's losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl

@InternetHippo: *sees an article from 2 months ago* This is useless to me. Who cares how the ancients lived

@InternetHippo: [seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

@InternetHippo: Now that everyone is against Facebook I'm smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@InternetHippo: "The ship is sinking!"
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
"You can save us with that?"
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@InternetHippo: [presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn't worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

@InternetHippo: [my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]
me: WOOOOOOO