IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Sponch
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
shit just got real
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.