Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I am never leaving this website
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“How’s your day going?”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs