Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
She puts the hot in psychotic
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.