Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.