4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
#catsoftwitter
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?