*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
This anagram machine is out of order.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Buck naked
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.