Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
😂😂😂
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?