@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it's open?
Me: I'll go there and ask
Wife: It's ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It's SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call
@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: As a vegan company it's important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was... a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That's a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er... pig's laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.
@ItsAndyRyan: Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about "Rock beats paper"
@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: We've been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we're Special Branch
@ItsAndyRyan: First date
Her: Let's exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard's escaped again"
@ItsAndyRyan: "I'm getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife"
"You're getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?"
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I've lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?