Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ItsAndyRyan's best tweets

@ItsAndyRyan : [Driving] Wife: You missed a right. Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@ItsAndyRyan: Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says 'press'

@ItsAndyRyan: Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

@ItsAndyRyan: Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it's quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that's a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it's easy

@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like 'firm beliefs'
Me: Company loyalty

@ItsAndyRyan: Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@ItsAndyRyan: What idiot called it 'telling the future through tea-leaves' and not 'brews foresight'?

@ItsAndyRyan: "How come Americans write the month first?"
"That's how you say it, month first"
"What's the date today"
"It's the fourth of July"

@ItsAndyRyan: First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn't want them to think I was also a mime artist.

@ItsAndyRyan: *kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I'll call Karen
Her: ...three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture