Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ItsAndyRyan's best tweets

@ItsAndyRyan : My printer: Sorry, can't print this out – I'm very low on magenta ink Me: But I'm literally printing black text – there's no red in it My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@ItsAndyRyan: "We've been blessed with a second son, another prince"
"I hope he doesn't grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king"
"Let's call him Scar"

@ItsAndyRyan: Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

@ItsAndyRyan: "Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"
"Y"
"So I can make a stupid joke"

@ItsAndyRyan: Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

@ItsAndyRyan: Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on...
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses...
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?

@ItsAndyRyan: Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit...

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

@ItsAndyRyan: [Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@ItsAndyRyan: Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says 'press'