Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ItsAndyRyan's best tweets

@ItsAndyRyan : Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

@ItsAndyRyan: Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

@ItsAndyRyan: Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh

@ItsAndyRyan: [Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@ItsAndyRyan: Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'
2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"
3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@ItsAndyRyan: Vet: I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It's very heavy

@ItsAndyRyan: My printer: Sorry, can't print this out – I'm very low on magenta ink
Me: But I'm literally printing black text – there's no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@ItsAndyRyan: "We've been blessed with a second son, another prince"
"I hope he doesn't grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king"
"Let's call him Scar"

@ItsAndyRyan: Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?