Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
@ItsAndyRyan: Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
@ItsAndyRyan: Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say 'bless yooou' in the same intonation as her 'Atchooo'
2) Sing "Little red corvette... the kind you find in a second-hand store"
3) Bring her an empty plate and say "Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!"
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
@ItsAndyRyan: Vet: I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It's very heavy
@ItsAndyRyan: My printer: Sorry, can't print this out – I'm very low on magenta ink
Me: But I'm literally printing black text – there's no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
@ItsAndyRyan: "We've been blessed with a second son, another prince"
"I hope he doesn't grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king"
"Let's call him Scar"