It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Me :
All Day At Night
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Y’all know who you are.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?