You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.