My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Venn
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…