My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.