ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
still the best tweet of the year by far
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.