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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”