@IvoryGazelle: You can tell a lot by a guy's teeth.
For instance, if they're three feet long, that's no man; that's a hippo.
@IvoryGazelle: Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
@IvoryGazelle: [inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
@IvoryGazelle: I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
@IvoryGazelle: Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
@IvoryGazelle: Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
@IvoryGazelle: Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
@IvoryGazelle: Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there