Funny Tweeter

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Page of IvoryGazelle's best tweets

@IvoryGazelle : listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

@IvoryGazelle: My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@IvoryGazelle: goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don't play that "I forgot about the rent" shit with me, Bubbles

@IvoryGazelle: [inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@IvoryGazelle: *reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it's totally cool, 5 second rule

@IvoryGazelle: I push everything I have across the table and confidently call "all in".
"Omg, for the last time, this is chess"

@IvoryGazelle: Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@IvoryGazelle: Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it's an initialism, because you can't pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.