Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IvoryGazelle's best tweets

@IvoryGazelle : [inventing chalk] We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

@IvoryGazelle: Mom, here's a picture of my bf, he's a musician
"That's just the stock image that comes with the frame"
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8x10 are in love

@IvoryGazelle: healthy as a horse? they literally can't walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

@IvoryGazelle: Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this...
[40 min later]
...and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

@IvoryGazelle: ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@IvoryGazelle: [work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
"Good, because it's 4:59 and I-"
Now, it all started back in '82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@IvoryGazelle: Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend's kitchen on the first try, and I've been riding that high ever since

@IvoryGazelle: there's no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@IvoryGazelle: i can see why people hate change, it's heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

@IvoryGazelle: *Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*