Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of IvoryGazelle's best tweets

@IvoryGazelle : Him: I've never had any broken bones Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

@IvoryGazelle: Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here...or you're next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

@IvoryGazelle: A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

@IvoryGazelle: By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can't find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won't find it there either.

@IvoryGazelle: This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

@IvoryGazelle: CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@IvoryGazelle: *the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

@IvoryGazelle: Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

@IvoryGazelle: me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

@IvoryGazelle: [inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.