Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ivsy01's best tweets

@Ivsy01 : Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@Ivsy01: Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@Ivsy01: If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

@Ivsy01: A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I'm like I'm not looking for anything serious right now.

@Ivsy01: Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70...

What girls hear: You're gonna dump me at 71.

@Ivsy01: Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@Ivsy01: Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

@Ivsy01: People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

@Ivsy01: Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can't use the carpool lane anymore.

@Ivsy01: Keep it mysterious, ladies...

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?