i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.