*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
the three branches of government
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that