HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?