Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”