Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: