My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
dream blunt rotation
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here