*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?