95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*