[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Best mom ever 😂
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.