How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.