One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
put ‘er there pardner!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.