Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
no refunds
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.