Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of JKickinit30's best tweets

@JKickinit30 : Me: this weed is shit (15 minutes later) Me: I can honestly feel my hair growing

@JKickinit30: [job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager...

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question...

@JKickinit30: I’m sorry that I used your cats as pom-poms but sometimes you need to improvise when your song comes on.

@JKickinit30: People that say you can’t get blood from a stone have obviously never tried hitting someone in the face with it.

@JKickinit30: Going out for chupacabras is not as fun as it may sound. Just because it sounds like mexican food doesn’t mean that it actually is.

@JKickinit30: Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

@JKickinit30: I like to assert dominance on elevators by facing everyone and doing subtle hip thrusts.

@JKickinit30: Missionary is good if you’re into helping small countries rebuild.

@JKickinit30: I just want a shirt pocket chipmunk who flips people off and I reward him with pistachios cuz he’s worth it.

@JKickinit30: Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.