Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
United Steaks of America
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?