“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.